Sponsor

Not to sure about my sponsor.. Let me explain.. She attends the same Saturday women's meeting I do, at that meeting they ask anyone who can be a sponsor to raise your hand.. She did for several weeks.. I had been eying her wanting to ask her to be my sponsor, but was a big ol scaredy cat and didn't do it until last week when she came to talk to me. After talking for about 5 minutes, I asked her about raising her hand and if she could be my sponsor. I don't really think I ever got a yes or no answer, but she did give me her number and told me she would "leave it up to me" on what to do next. Ummmm, ya that's probably not the best of ideas.. I don't know WHAT to do, or WHERE to start, or how to have a healthy relationship with another human being, but you are going to leave it up to me? Whatever.. She also gave me her e-mail address, so rather than call (I am not much of a phone person, except for when I'm drunk as a skunk), I did e-mail her. Told her thanks for offering to be my sponsor and yada yada yada... She e-mails me back and wanted to get together on Wednesday. We set something up to meet up and talk, but as luck would have it I split a tooth in half and couldn't go. I spent the afternoon and about $1000 at the dentist office. So shit.. where do I go from here, honestly, I need a sponsor who is gonna lay it all out on the table. I see things in black and white, can't read inbetween the lines. I need someone who is going to say, this is what you need to do and if you don't do it then I won't be your sponsor anymore. I don't need someone who is going to pussy foot around and leave it up to me. Hello, I'm the newly recovering alcoholic, most people wouldn't leave jack squat up to me.

I just now feel bad b/c I feel like I have to break up with her. Honestly, getting a sponsor is like forging a committed relationship with someone, at least thats the way I feel about it. This just puts another hurdle in my way and gives me another reason not to go to meetings and sit at home and drink. Which I have reallllllllllllllly been wanting to do lately! I keep reminding myself I have 45 days clean and sober, I can do this but a part of me just doesn't give a flying fuck and would rather be plastered.

Why must I always make a complicated situation so much more complicated? It's the story of my life.

Getting down to the nitty gritty

Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over alcohol - that my life has become unmanageable.

CHECK

Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Ummmm.. Hmmm..

This "power" what could it be. I don't believe in the modern day Jesus or God. I refuse to conform to modern day, Sunday only, religion. So, this "power" is what I am struggling with. I find lots of knowledge and peace in the practices of Buddhism. One of the main things that drew me to Buddhism is that they don't believe in a higher being. They believe in living your life by a set of principles that will lead you to prosperity and wholeness.

I suppose my "power" could be the AA group. That just kind of seems silly to be honest. I have heard of people taking this approach before.

I believe that I can restore myself to sanity, that I have the ability to control my own destiny without the help of some higher, almighty being.

Why does this have to be so freakin confusing?

It's been a while...

I have been neglecting my blog. I feel terrible about it.. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately and it's hard for me to form a sentence and form a complete thought. So, I'm working with 40 days clean and sober. Woo freakin hoo. Starting to get those lovely feelings back and when I do I just want to sprint to the liquor store for my friend Grey Goose. Luckly, I haven't actually drank any liquor but I did sit outside an ABC store last night for about 10 minutes. After I came to my senses I just backed the fuck up and went home. I finally have a sponsor. Not really sure what to do with that. I mean, at least I took the first step and asked someone to help me out. She seems nice enough but I am not sure where to go from here. Haven't really been working the steps, haven't really been going to enough meetings, don't have any fingernails left from biting them down to the nubs. But, all in all I am still sober. Not as glamorous as it sounds. I have been having lots of "flashbacks" to things that have happened in my past. Especially when I'm trying to go to sleep at night, I will just get these thoughts and feelings that are overwhelming. Is this what being sober is all about? If so, give me a bottle of goose, I'm ready to get loose.

Seriously, I know it can only get better. I just have to start doing the work. Ughhh work, booo. I am used to sitting on my rump and letting this happen. Why does this sober gig have to be so much darn work?

I talked today in the meeting about how I ended up in front of the liquor store last night. I was shaking while I was talking, I am such a freakin dork. Some of those women are intimidating though. Big redneck women with 20 years sober. I don't like talking in front of people but I figure the only way to get comfortable is to keep talking.

I'm going to try and keep up with this blog better. It really is therapeutic for me to be able to verbally vomit all over the internet.

Here's hoping this gets easier before it gets harder.

Laziness

It's critical that I get to a meeting tomorrow or I may just wind up at the ABC store.

Hopefully, picking up my 30 day chip on Saturday.

At a meeting the other night a girl was explaining a situation that happens to me a lot. She said she was going out of town to a family reunion. She was nervous and scared because all of her relatives and friends would be drinking and she is not allowed too. She called her sponsor and told her about the situation and her sponsor said "You are more than capable of drinking, but you choose not too."

Reminding myself that I am still in control of my destiny helps keep my anxiety at bay. This whole AA program centers around "a power greater than ourselves" or a "god of my understanding". Well, I understand I am *eek* powerless over alcohol. It's got a hold on me and it's not letting up. It's great to be reminded that I still have power over my choices. If I want to drink, sure I can drink, but I have to think about the consequences of taking that first drink now. I have the ability and confidence to say no now. I am more in control than I have ever been.

Summer comes to an end...

I want a drink so bad I would sell my soul to the devil for it.

No I am not drunk nor have I been drinking but I just have this nagging urge too.

I keep trying to justify the drink to myself.

Tomorrow is three weeks since I've had a drink and it hasn't gotten any easier...

What am I doing wrong and when will this feeling go away?!?!

So, I've been to a couple of AA meetings now. I love going to them and really get a lot out of the meetings. The feelings I leave there with are foreign to me. I feel calm, welcomed, not alone, inspired. I'm just a little uneasy though. There are only a handful of people my age in the meetings. Most of the people are at least 40. There is a lot of clean time between them and I find that inspirational but I wish there was someone my age I could relate too. I also haven't met anyone from the meetings yet. Once the meetings are over, everyone starts chit chatting amongst themselves and I don't feel like interrupting anyone to tell them my story. Honestly, what do you say to someone in AA when first meeting them? That might sound silly but it's something I constantly struggle with.

I figure if I keep going to meetings on a regular basis then sooner or later I am bound to meet someone and connect with them.

I didn't go to a meeting tonight. I will go to one on Thursday. Tomorrow school starts and I am going to the Buddhist center at 7 to meditate and try to find some calm within myself.

That's all I got.