She's come undone...

Sponsor

2009-09-24T21:29:00.002-04:00

Not to sure about my sponsor.. Let me explain.. She attends the same Saturday women's meeting I do, at that meeting they ask anyone who can be a sponsor to raise your hand.. She did for several weeks.. I had been eying her wanting to ask her to be my sponsor, but was a big ol scaredy cat and didn't do it until last week when she came to talk to me. After talking for about 5 minutes, I asked her about raising her hand and if she could be my sponsor. I don't really think I ever got a yes or no answer, but she did give me her number and told me she would "leave it up to me" on what to do next. Ummmm, ya that's probably not the best of ideas.. I don't know WHAT to do, or WHERE to start, or how to have a healthy relationship with another human being, but you are going to leave it up to me? Whatever.. She also gave me her e-mail address, so rather than call (I am not much of a phone person, except for when I'm drunk as a skunk), I did e-mail her. Told her thanks for offering to be my sponsor and yada yada yada... She e-mails me back and wanted to get together on Wednesday. We set something up to meet up and talk, but as luck would have it I split a tooth in half and couldn't go. I spent the afternoon and about $1000 at the dentist office. So shit.. where do I go from here, honestly, I need a sponsor who is gonna lay it all out on the table. I see things in black and white, can't read inbetween the lines. I need someone who is going to say, this is what you need to do and if you don't do it then I won't be your sponsor anymore. I don't need someone who is going to pussy foot around and leave it up to me. Hello, I'm the newly recovering alcoholic, most people wouldn't leave jack squat up to me.

I just now feel bad b/c I feel like I have to break up with her. Honestly, getting a sponsor is like forging a committed relationship with someone, at least thats the way I feel about it. This just puts another hurdle in my way and gives me another reason not to go to meetings and sit at home and drink. Which I have reallllllllllllllly been wanting to do lately! I keep reminding myself I have 45 days clean and sober, I can do this but a part of me just doesn't give a flying fuck and would rather be plastered.

Why must I always make a complicated situation so much more complicated? It's the story of my life.

Getting down to the nitty gritty

2009-09-20T16:46:00.002-04:00

Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over alcohol - that my life has become unmanageable.

CHECK

Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Ummmm.. Hmmm..

This "power" what could it be. I don't believe in the modern day Jesus or God. I refuse to conform to modern day, Sunday only, religion. So, this "power" is what I am struggling with. I find lots of knowledge and peace in the practices of Buddhism. One of the main things that drew me to Buddhism is that they don't believe in a higher being. They believe in living your life by a set of principles that will lead you to prosperity and wholeness.

I suppose my "power" could be the AA group. That just kind of seems silly to be honest. I have heard of people taking this approach before.

I believe that I can restore myself to sanity, that I have the ability to control my own destiny without the help of some higher, almighty being.

Why does this have to be so freakin confusing?

It's been a while...

2009-09-19T14:43:00.002-04:00

I have been neglecting my blog. I feel terrible about it.. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately and it's hard for me to form a sentence and form a complete thought. So, I'm working with 40 days clean and sober. Woo freakin hoo. Starting to get those lovely feelings back and when I do I just want to sprint to the liquor store for my friend Grey Goose. Luckly, I haven't actually drank any liquor but I did sit outside an ABC store last night for about 10 minutes. After I came to my senses I just backed the fuck up and went home. I finally have a sponsor. Not really sure what to do with that. I mean, at least I took the first step and asked someone to help me out. She seems nice enough but I am not sure where to go from here. Haven't really been working the steps, haven't really been going to enough meetings, don't have any fingernails left from biting them down to the nubs. But, all in all I am still sober. Not as glamorous as it sounds. I have been having lots of "flashbacks" to things that have happened in my past. Especially when I'm trying to go to sleep at night, I will just get these thoughts and feelings that are overwhelming. Is this what being sober is all about? If so, give me a bottle of goose, I'm ready to get loose.

Seriously, I know it can only get better. I just have to start doing the work. Ughhh work, booo. I am used to sitting on my rump and letting this happen. Why does this sober gig have to be so much darn work?

I talked today in the meeting about how I ended up in front of the liquor store last night. I was shaking while I was talking, I am such a freakin dork. Some of those women are intimidating though. Big redneck women with 20 years sober. I don't like talking in front of people but I figure the only way to get comfortable is to keep talking.

I'm going to try and keep up with this blog better. It really is therapeutic for me to be able to verbally vomit all over the internet.

Here's hoping this gets easier before it gets harder.

Laziness

2009-09-02T20:23:00.001-04:00

It's critical that I get to a meeting tomorrow or I may just wind up at the ABC store.

Hopefully, picking up my 30 day chip on Saturday.

2009-08-30T21:31:00.002-04:00

At a meeting the other night a girl was explaining a situation that happens to me a lot. She said she was going out of town to a family reunion. She was nervous and scared because all of her relatives and friends would be drinking and she is not allowed too. She called her sponsor and told her about the situation and her sponsor said "You are more than capable of drinking, but you choose not too."

Reminding myself that I am still in control of my destiny helps keep my anxiety at bay. This whole AA program centers around "a power greater than ourselves" or a "god of my understanding". Well, I understand I am *eek* powerless over alcohol. It's got a hold on me and it's not letting up. It's great to be reminded that I still have power over my choices. If I want to drink, sure I can drink, but I have to think about the consequences of taking that first drink now. I have the ability and confidence to say no now. I am more in control than I have ever been.

Summer comes to an end...

2009-08-27T22:10:00.002-04:00

I want a drink so bad I would sell my soul to the devil for it.

No I am not drunk nor have I been drinking but I just have this nagging urge too.

I keep trying to justify the drink to myself.

Tomorrow is three weeks since I've had a drink and it hasn't gotten any easier...

What am I doing wrong and when will this feeling go away?!?!

2009-08-25T19:33:00.003-04:00

So, I've been to a couple of AA meetings now. I love going to them and really get a lot out of the meetings. The feelings I leave there with are foreign to me. I feel calm, welcomed, not alone, inspired. I'm just a little uneasy though. There are only a handful of people my age in the meetings. Most of the people are at least 40. There is a lot of clean time between them and I find that inspirational but I wish there was someone my age I could relate too. I also haven't met anyone from the meetings yet. Once the meetings are over, everyone starts chit chatting amongst themselves and I don't feel like interrupting anyone to tell them my story. Honestly, what do you say to someone in AA when first meeting them? That might sound silly but it's something I constantly struggle with.

I figure if I keep going to meetings on a regular basis then sooner or later I am bound to meet someone and connect with them.

I didn't go to a meeting tonight. I will go to one on Thursday. Tomorrow school starts and I am going to the Buddhist center at 7 to meditate and try to find some calm within myself.

That's all I got.

2 weeks, 14 days

2009-08-21T12:02:00.002-04:00

It's been two weeks since I've had a drink. Normally, I could go two weeks w/out drinking but at the end, I would be running to the closest ABC store for a bottle of vodka. I am going to a first year "beginner's" meeting this evening and then going to a woman's meeting tomorrow morning. Need to up my meetings per week because right now is the time I'm most vulnerable.

I also started going to weight watcher's yesterday. My sister lost over 50 pounds with WW and I'm hoping it will help me. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and hate my body right now. The program seems simple enough. I can eat 24 points per day and all foods have a point value. I've only heard good things about WW and the success that people have had with it. I hope I am able to stay motivated enough to stick with the program.

School starts in 5 days... I'm happy yet, nervous at the same time. I need to make good grades this semester to get my GPA up. Right now I'm sitting at a 2.9 GPA. If I want to get into nursing school I have to get that up.

Friends...

2009-08-18T22:55:00.002-04:00

I don't really have any friends....

I know it's pitiful. I have a couple (ok, two) of best friends that I've had since grade school or high school, that I feel like I can depend on and vice versa. They both live at least 5 hours away from me. We talk occasionally on the phone but more often over the internet.

I yearn for those relationships with people where I can set up lunch or dinner dates and talk about life and feel 100% comfortable with them. Relationships that are open and honest and non judgmental.

I just don't know if I am capable of that kind of human companionship... I often wonder about my ability to interact and connect with other humans on a mutual level.

Is it even possible?!

I hope so.

I've been so caught up in my alcohol addiction, that I've successfully shoved everyone out of my life and only kept the ones in that were far enough away from me not to know what was truly going on.

It seems like everyone has their own agenda's now-a-days. That everyone is too busy to stop and have coffee or lunch or dinner. I hate feeling or being a burden on people and that's all I ever feel like I am doing. I don't feel like I am contributing anything to their lives, and if I am not contributing then what's the point?!

I've been so isolated, so engulfed with myself for so long that I wonder if I am capable at all with connecting with people.

I just hope there is hope for me...

2009-08-18T15:41:00.002-04:00

Things are good here. I have been attending meetings about every other day and am starting to feel comfortable with them. I really feel refreshed and renewed after leaving a meeting. That comforting feel of not being alone in this, is remarkable. I have yet to meet anyone or get a sponsor. I guess that is my next step in this journey. I really have a hard time walking up to someone and asking for help. Also, I have yet to pick up my white chip. In the beginning of the meeting when they start to call out the chips my heart starts to race and my knees buckle, I'm sure I turn three different shades of red. I want to get up and get it but I am too embarrassed. I haven't had a drink since 8.8.09. A week and a half. Today I went out to lunch with a friend that is moving to Kentucky and a friend from school. I was really tempted to have a afternoon drink but I didn't and I am proud that I was able to abstain in that type of social situation. I really want to begin working the steps though. I know there are several things about my character that need to be worked on and I don't want to be a "dry drunk". I am not going to a meeting tonight but will attend one tomorrow about 545. School starts back in a week, yippee. Only two more semesters and I will be official. My life is so boring.

A breath of fresh air

2009-08-12T21:51:00.003-04:00

So, I finally did it I finally got my ass to a meeting and it was the most exhilarating feeling. It was a big book study group, which I was unaware of but fine with. They read the first couple of pages of chapter 2 and everything that was said spoke right to me. About how we all try to control our drinking by switching types of alcohol, starting to exercise, and the other crazy things we do. I didn't speak during the meeting even though I was tempted too. I kept on thinking when they got around to me I would stutter and just look a fool. It was nice to say, "Hi, I'm Amy an alcoholic." It was nice to admit that to myself and everyone that was listening. I slipped into the meeting at the last minute and left right after, but I am going to try and get there a lil earlier and stick around afterwords to get to know everyone.
I also got my ignition interlock off of my car today. It's a good feeling to know that I'm one step closer to being trusted with a full license (it's still restricted until July 2010). It's one step in the right direction. Just have to keep going to meetings, don't drink, and stay sober.
I bought some really good books at Barnes and Nobles today. So, I'm going to go and hop in my very comfy bed and read "Drunkard".
Adios!

I redefine fuck up..

2009-08-09T14:17:00.002-04:00

So, the cycle continues. Don't ask me why... Don't ask me how... I am starting to believe I am freakin stupid, retarded because I can't get a handle on this.. Anyways, my ass is FOR SURE getting to a meeting tomorrow. I don't care about running into people I know, I don't care who see's me or who talks about me. Enough is enough. I am tired of waking up in my own urine. For fucks sake I am 27 years old, way to old to be wetting the bed. I mean, who does that sort of crap and then goes out and drinks the next day. Frustrating...
Also, in my drunken state, it looks like I went to wal-mart.com and purchased a TV and a new game for my Wii. Now, I have enough money to do this so why in the hell did I use my mom's credit card?! Oh, she is beyond pissed and livid. Rightfully so. I have started damage control and am in the process of getting everything shipped back to wal-mart before it even gets delivered. I feel terrible for what happened, honestly it was a mistake. That might be hard to believe but it was. Several credit cards of mine are saved on wal-mart.com and so is her information. So, in my drunken state instead of picking my mastercard to use, I picked her's. I hate when she is mad at me too, you could cut the tension in this house with a steak knife. It's unbearable. I feel like a prisoner in my own bedroom because I don't want to go out and have to feel the wrath.
So, there is my rantings for today...

2009-07-31T15:54:00.002-04:00

Due to my perpetual love for both driving and drinking (not at the sametime, now) I have had the courts involved with my life for longer than I care to think about. I got two DUI's in the matter of 8 months. I used to despise the cops that pulled me over, cursing them over and over. Now, I would like to thank them for saving my life, and everyone else's. I can honestly say, I will never drink and drive again. For the last year I have had an ignition interlock (fancy word for breathalyzer) in my car. I have to blow into it every time the vehicle is started and every 20-40 minutes there after. So, the device is coming out next week. I feel like I should be over joyed and happy that I have one less thing controlling me. One less thing the courts can hold over my head. I will be saving $80 a month because I don't have to take it in to get it calibrated. But the truth is I am scared.
I am scared that one night I will fuck up and not think and get behind the wheel again. I know sitting here now, sober, in my right mind, that I would never do that. But once I fuck up and decide to put the bottle to my lips I become powerless. In a moment of weakness what happens if I slip up, get pulled over, and go to jail for probably 10 years or more. Scary right?! That would scare someone enough not to drink. Right?! Let's hope so.
Don't get me wrong, I am really happy that I am one step closer to having the courts out of my life. I really want to be able to move past all this drama and become a contributing member of society. But there are times I don't trust myself and that really sucks.

Change is good...

2009-07-30T10:01:00.003-04:00

I have been a vegetarian for about two years now. I will never eat another piece of meat again. I had my meat epiphany two years ago when I was reading the book "Skinny Bitch". That probably seems rather self endearing, but the book actually made me think about the way animals are treated. One line from the book sticks with me to this day, "every time you eat a piece of meat you are eating all the pain, suffering, and anguish that animal went through". That struck my heart heart with a jagged blade. From that day forward I vowed not to eat meat, and I haven't. Now, I am wanting to take the next step and stop eating all animal by products (cheese, milk, butter). Not only for the welfare of the animals but for my own health as well. The bulk of my calorie consumption every day comes from cheese, I eat it with every meal, and I'm practically in love with the stuff. So, knowing what worked for me before I started to google how animals are treated when going in for the milking process. What I found broke my heart. I will spare you all the gory details. I am sure you are more than capable of doing your own search if you deem it necessary. I am just confused about how humans can be so inconsiderate to other species. Not long ago at school, a friend and I got into a friendly debate on whether or not shrimp have feelings. Of course, they do, they might not have the wide spectrum of feelings that humans have but I am convinced that they do have the ability to feel, as all living things do. She, along with the majority of the class thought I was silly and ridiculous. This just goes to show the mentality of humans. They don't think about anyone but themselves. I am convinced of it. Have a little compassion people and think about what you are doing, what you are putting into your body and how it got to your plate before you put it in your mouth.

**off my soap box**

I am also quitting smoking. So, I've said that exact same phrase no less than 200 times before. But, I honestly really want to quit. It's expensive, stinky, and just stupid. But, I hate the way I feel when I don't smoke. So, I'm going to try to think my through the cravings and be a nonsmoker once and for all. I'll let ya know how that pans out.

I have to go to school today. I have my final exams next week and while I'm looking forward to this semester being over, I am not looking forward to spending my whole weekend studying. Only two more semesters after this and then I will be a respiratory therapist. Go me, finally accomplished something in my life.

Pugs not drugs

2009-07-29T13:26:00.003-04:00

I love my pug more than life itself. She has been through so much with me and hasn't once judged my actions. She is always happy to see me when I get home and never once has talked back to me. >.<
Here she is sitting on the back of the couch. That is her spot. She sits there all day long and barks at everyone that passes by. She has been the most constant thing in my life. I wish she knew how much I appreciated her. Hopefully, she does.

I am not sure if I want kids. I am still on the fence. Sure, they are cute while they are little but then they grow up to be rebellious teenagers. I really don't think I could handle having a kid like myself. I would go ape shit crazy and have to be committed. Really if my kids did the stuff I did I would end up killing them, or locking them in the basement, or something equally as crazy. I ran away, I did drugs, I drank, I snuck out. Hopefully, I would be able to provide a better, more loving, caring environment for my children, then the one I was raised in. I think I would be satisfied with being the crazy old pug lady, that has like 50 pugs and is perpetually single.

Thinking...

2009-07-25T20:22:00.003-04:00

I am constantly a whole mess of jumbled thoughts. One minute I'm contemplating life and the next I am thinking about the laundry. I wish I could focus for more than five seconds.
One thing that I have been constantly thinking about lately is how to get myself out of this mess I created. I need to take responsibility for my life. No one is going to do this for me. I know what needs to be done. I have been a to rehab four times already and I know I need to get my ass to a meeting.
I have all these thoughts running through my head about this first meeting. What happens if I see someone I know? Am I supposed to go up and talk to them or cower away? What will these people think of me? I feel like I am going to walk through the doors and a big spotlight is going to be cast upon me "NEWBIE NEWBIE NEWBIE". So, most of my thoughts are irrational, like usual. But, I don't know how to get past them and move on. I remember when I was in rehab and made to go to meetings. After the meetings I felt so refreshed and energetic. It's an awesome feeling. But, in rehab I had the comfort of the people around me. Now, I have to go all by myself. SCARY. No, freakin terrifying! I know recovery alcoholics are probably some of the nicest, most accepting people you will ever meet, but that doesn't stop these thoughts from bombarding my brain. I want to start living my life and get out of the confines of this house. I feel like I am in jail, and it sucks.

2009-07-19T13:52:00.002-04:00

Trying my best to focus on what I need to get done today, not worry about tomorrow or the next day or yesterday. Easier said then done. I have a lot of studying to get done within the next 72 hours in order to pass these oral exams. I have recorded myself saying the drugs I have to memorize and just keep listening to it over and over again. The one thing I wish someone would of taught me in high school is how to study. I honestly don't know how and it makes this whole going to college deal that much more difficult. I'm just going to do the very best I can. I am going to an AA meeting tomorrow, there is a women's meeting at 530 and I'm going to attend. I will post more on that after I go. I just get the feeling that I will be much more comfortable at a women's meeting. Here's hoping so! Must...go...study..

Friday, July 17, 2009 Seven OH six Pee EEM

2009-07-17T19:06:00.002-04:00

Here I sit, after having drank half a bottle of vodka and two lil airplane bottles of la orange grey goose. I feel guilty ass hell writing this blog because this was supposed to be about my recovery. I have been so stressed out this week because of my upcoming pharmacology and mechanical ventilation oral exams. Have I studied for them?!?! Nope. I can hear the commode flushing. That's my life going down the drain.
The more I write the more I want to cry. I am smarter than this. Why am I letting this demon consume me?!
On Monday's all I can think about is Wednesday's. Because Wednesday's are when I can drink. That is when I am done with classes. Alcohol is starting to consume my every thought process. I drank on Wednesday of this week and now I am drunk again on Friday.
Today when walking into the ABC store in Bonsack, VA, I saw my old apartment manager, he was walking out. Did I walk into the ABC store?!! No, I pretended to walk into the Chinese restaurant next to it. I went in and told them I just want to look at a menu. I waited for his truck to pull out of the parking lot and then I proceeded to go and get "the goods". Why am I so ashamed?! Why if I am so ashamed to I continue to go down this path.
I know my apartment manager is an alcoholic too. I saw him look down in shame when he saw me. I kept my head held high and walked into the Chinese restaurant like I had business there. God, I am such a freakin poser, dork, and fuck up.
I need someone to hold my hand. To show me the right way. I have NO ONE right now. I just want someone to be my friend.
Ok, I am climbing right up off my pitty potty right now and putting my big girl pants on. HAHAHAH And then, I am going to pass out in my bed. Ughhh, FAIL!

I am still here!

2009-07-13T19:09:00.002-04:00

Sorry for posting that last post and not updating for a couple of days. Right now school is crazy busy. I have two exams this week and then two oral exams next week. I am so unprepared it's not even funny. I sit down at my desk and try to study, I get about a good 30 minutes of studying in and then my heads in the clouds. I am doing the best I can right now and that's all I can really ask of myself. Life otherwise is easy. Still dealing with being lonely all the time. But until I get my butt up out of the house and go and meet some decent people, I am going to be lonely.
Back to studying, bigger update later.

Ughhh

2009-07-08T16:04:00.002-04:00

How and why did I turn into an alcoholic?!?! When did this happen? Why me? Why do I have to battle this demon? WHY ME! It's not fair! I wasn't raised like this, I was raised to be a respectable, law abiding human being. I just want to be normal.

focus, Focus, FOCUS

2009-07-07T22:43:00.002-04:00

I can't focus on anything, other than the fact that tomorrow is Wednesday, I get out of class at noon and I could possibly be drinking/drunk by 2 pm. This week has been super stressful, between stressing out about how unprepared I have been for class, my two test coming up next week, and my two oral exams the week after, I am about ready to implode. My alcoholic mind is telling me that if I go to the ABC store tomorrow and grab a bottle of Grey Goose that I will be able to focus better and be able to study!!! HAHAHAHA. I mean seriously come on... How crazy is that... When is the last time I could even remember the slightest detail after a night of drinking?!?! It's been a year or two... I already checked the AA schedule out for tomorrow and I have convinced myself that I need to go to a women's meeting to feel totally comfortable. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Oh, let's not forget about the looming court date I have at the end of the month to add to the stresses of the week. Will my life ever be "normal" ever again?! Here's hoping so!

.....

2009-07-06T21:21:00.001-04:00

My thoughts are so scattered and jumbled that I can't even write a paragraph. I have written three paragraphs actually, all about different topics and erased them all. Trying to write a blog when I've been in intense classes for 10 hours today, isn't working. Hopefully, I will be more clear headed tomorrow. Happy Monday! WOOT!

Virginia is for lovers...

2009-07-05T11:23:00.002-04:00

I am back in Virginia in one piece. No one ended up killing anyone else. My sister, her two dogs, two cats and three fish all made it safely to Oklahoma. My dad and I flew back yesterday. I will never ever let my sister book a flight for me ever again. 4 states in one day, with the longest flight being an hour and a half. Not fun. I didn't drink even though I was very tempted too. I will have a longer entry soon about the trip but now I need to go and do some wash, and study. Hope everyone had a great and safe 4th of July.

Overwhelming anxiety

2009-06-30T17:58:00.002-04:00

One of the biggest reasons I drink is because of my constant anxiety and worrying. I am constantly worrying about what happened or what is going to happen. I never let me self just relax and enjoy the here and now. Which brings me to today... I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive across the country. In two and a half days, myself, my sister, my father (who is going blind in one eye b/c of his constant Vigara usage), two dogs, two cats, and the fish are going to be puttying along the interstate from Virginia to Oklahoma. That's enough to send anyone in to a full blown anxiety attack. We get to Oklahoma Friday afternoon. Saturday morning at 6 am, my dad and I will fly back to Virginia. Our flight itinerary is as follows, OK to Dallas, Dallas to Kansas City, Kansas City to Chicago, Chicago to Virginia. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I have thought about throwing myself down the stairs many times today. A broken leg, arm, whatever seems minimal next to this. I love my sister and I will miss her to death, but why did I agree to do this with her? I am not going to be of any help anyways. My father will be driving the 27' Penscke truck while my sister and I drive her car. I can't help with the driving because I have a restricted license right now b/c of my DUI's. So, really, I am just along for shits and giggles and for entertainment purposes. Here's hoping that one of us doesn't kill the other and that the fish make it safely to Oklahoma. I have already been scoping out the hotels to see if they have bars. I am going to try my best to obstain but I don't come with any guarentee's or promises.

Hopefully, I will be able to shove my laptop into my one bag. When the hell did the airlines start charging for every bag you bring?!?! I can't even check one piece of luggage w/out paying an extra $50! Ridiculous! I am going to take lots of pics and I'll make sure to post them here. All prayers are helpful and welcomed!

My last drink

2009-06-29T16:54:00.003-04:00

Keeping with the current theme I will tell everyone about my last drink now.

I always seem to make a big ol' ass out of myself when I drink. Over the past year and a half, it's the main reason that I drink alone. So, I don't have to feel the guilt, stupidity, and regret when I wake up in the morning coupled with a hangover. I have a tendency to drink when I am extremely happy. When things are going right in my life and I am feeling good, I just want to drink. Some people drink when they are upset or angry, not me, I like to drink to celebrate the good times in my life. That would be just fine, other than the fact that I can't control how much I drink and always do it to excess.

So, my last drink. It started Wednesday afternoon. I go to school Monday - Wednesday. I had a really good week at school, got a good grade on my microbiology test, I was HAPPY. I also got approved for unemployment, so I finally, after months of being broke, had some spare cash in the bank. WOOO HOOO! I convince myself that I DESERVE a drink. I have earned these drinks b/c I have suffered for so long being broke and jobless, it's the least I could do for myself. Plus, I am bored and I know I will be bored when I get home, so why the hell not. So, I drive myself over to the ABC store and pick up a bottle of my favorite Grey Goose Orange vodka. I run by subway and get myself a sub and I'm on cloud nine. On my way home, to just have a couple of drinks and relax. HA!

So, I get home and that vodka is burning a hole into my pocket book. I am 27 years old and had to move back in with my mother in order to go back to school and do something productive with my life. So, my mom is up and I wish she would just go to bed so I can start drinking my vodka. FINALLY, she goes to bed. I grab a pepsi out of the fridge and start chugging away. I love the way that first drink makes my stomach burn. I swig, two swig, three swig. I am feeling good, no I am feeling GREAT! Four swig, five swig. Ok, I am bored, I need something to do now. I start chatting to people on facebook, something I don't EVER do unless I am buzzed or wasted. I don't even remember who I talked to or what we talked about. I black out constantly and today isn't any different.

The night is really a blur. I do remember calling my ex-boyfriend (uggghhh, what the hell), calling my best friend and balling my eyes out because a friend is getting married and I'm convinced I will be single for the rest of my life. Honestly, that is all I really remember. Six or seven hours totally erased from my memory. I wake up Thursday morning with poofy eyes and a big headache. I look over on my computer desk and there is still about a pint of vodka left. SCORE! I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head, feel sorry for myself and take a swig from the bottle.

My sister is coming to get me around noon, so I have to pull it together before then. I proceed to chug the rest of the bottle and hop in the shower. As soon as my sister gets here she knows something is up, allow she doesn't suspect alcohol. She probably thinks it's to early for me to be drinking. Her little sister drinking before noon?! NEVER!

We head up to the mexican resturant and get some lunch. Immediately the waiter notices that something just isn't right with me today and asks me why I look so tired. I give some bullshit response like "because I am tired", just to get him to leave me alone. The last thing I want is people in town to think I am drunk before noon. I feel like absolute ass, the alochol is wearing off and I don't have anymore. I want to go home and crawl in my bed and sleep for twelve hours. But, I head to Lowe's with my sister to look at fridges. Luckly this doesn't take very long and she finally take me home and I pass out from 3pm Friday - 7 am Saturday.

I can see the progression of my disease starting to process. A year ago I would have never ever thought to drink right after waking up but now it's not a big deal. I hate feeling like an ass after a night of drinking because of the way I act and the fact that I can't remember what I said or did during the night. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am fed up with myself and constantly letting myself down. I am better than this and I truly believe with the help of AA I can beat this. Now, I just have to get up enough balls and swallow my pride to walk through the doors of AA and admit to myself and the rest of the world that I am powerless and that I am an addict. That is the hard part.....

My first drink...

2009-06-28T10:46:00.003-04:00

The general consensus is that an alcoholic or drug addict can always remember their first and last drink. I have found this to be very true. I can remember my first drink like it was yesterday. I was 14 years old and it was summer time. I had a lot of idle time on my hands.
That day my mom was working a 24 hour shift at the hospital, my father had went off on a job more than two hours away from home, and both of my sisters were away at college. I was home alone! Any 14 year old teenagers dream! Well, I was bored, as I was a lot in my adolescent years. So, I started to look around the house for things to do. I called my best friend and told her I had found my dad's liquor stash and she should hurry up and come over. My dad drank the nastiest liquor known to man. It's called "elijah craig", some type of really strong tasting whiskey. It's enough to burn a hole right through your esophagus. To this day, the smell of that liquor makes me want to barf. Anyways, my best friend was on alert and going to come over as soon as her boyfriend picked her up. I thought I would get a head start on her and grabbed a shot glass. After 2-3 shots I felt nothing. I was so very disappointed. I wanted to feel what everyone else felt when they drank, I wanted happiness, the boredom to go away. So, I took another 2-3 shots. I started feeling better, a lil woobley on my feet but I am sure I had a prema-grin plastered on my face. Still, I wanted more of this good feeling. I took 2-3 more shots.
Here is where my memory gets a little foggy, but I will try to piece it together for you. I remember my BFF and her BF showing up and I am laying in the middle of the driveway. Not able to move. They both thought I was kidding and almost ran over me. The plan was to go to the local pizza hut and get some food, after my BFF saw me she knew there was no way I'd be going out in public. Her and her BF get me out of the driveway and take me inside. I try to convince them to take some shots with me, but they decline. They lay me on the couch and I start repeating over and over again "ten don't go, don't leave". Ya, what a nutcase. They make sure my head is tipped over the couch so when I do puke I won't choke on it.
That's all I remember. Thank God, I did not die of alcohol poisioning that night. Somewhere there is a guardian angel looking out after me.
Other than getting woke up at 5 am with my dad yelling and screaming about there being puke on the carpet upstairs. I try my best to blame it on the dogs but my dad knows better.
I should of known from that very first drink that I would never be good at being an alcoholic. I didn't drink again for at least another year and a half after that. Once, I did start drinking again, it was always the same old song and dance. I always promised myself that this time I would have some self control, this time was going to be different, this time I wouldn't make an ass out of myself, this time I would only have "two" drinks. That never happened for me. I would drink and drink and drink until I knew all the alcohol in my possession was gone or I passed out.
12 years after my first drink, I am finally able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and other substances.

Ohh alcohol how I will miss the...

2009-06-27T14:44:00.003-04:00

This is going to be journey on getting sober once and for all. I have had a enough with the hangovers, the cravings, and just wanting to get outside of myself. I want for once in my life to be comfortable in my own skin. I have been lurking around the internet for a while now, reading blogs from people who are in recovery or have family that is. Reading those blogs really helped motivate me to take the first step and get my ass to a meeting. I am hoping that someday maybe my story will help motivate someone to walk through the doors of AA/NA.
I have been out of rehab and jail because of alcohol. It has caused me so much unwanted drama, yet I still can't seem to put the bottle down once and for all. Let it be known, I like how I feel when I'm drinking. I like being aloof to my surroundings and not having a care in the world but the negatives far out weigh the positives at this point in my life.
Some questions I have been asking myself and struggling with for a couple of years now... Am I honestly powerless over alcohol (AA first step). Seems that way since I can't seem to stay away from the ABC store. Why can't I just have one drink? I have proved to myself time and time again that I can't just have one drink, I have exhausted all of my will power towards that one goal.
90 meetings, 90 days... This is my journey down the road to recovery, a happy and sane life. Care to join me for the ride?