Sponsor

Not to sure about my sponsor.. Let me explain.. She attends the same Saturday women's meeting I do, at that meeting they ask anyone who can be a sponsor to raise your hand.. She did for several weeks.. I had been eying her wanting to ask her to be my sponsor, but was a big ol scaredy cat and didn't do it until last week when she came to talk to me. After talking for about 5 minutes, I asked her about raising her hand and if she could be my sponsor. I don't really think I ever got a yes or no answer, but she did give me her number and told me she would "leave it up to me" on what to do next. Ummmm, ya that's probably not the best of ideas.. I don't know WHAT to do, or WHERE to start, or how to have a healthy relationship with another human being, but you are going to leave it up to me? Whatever.. She also gave me her e-mail address, so rather than call (I am not much of a phone person, except for when I'm drunk as a skunk), I did e-mail her. Told her thanks for offering to be my sponsor and yada yada yada... She e-mails me back and wanted to get together on Wednesday. We set something up to meet up and talk, but as luck would have it I split a tooth in half and couldn't go. I spent the afternoon and about $1000 at the dentist office. So shit.. where do I go from here, honestly, I need a sponsor who is gonna lay it all out on the table. I see things in black and white, can't read inbetween the lines. I need someone who is going to say, this is what you need to do and if you don't do it then I won't be your sponsor anymore. I don't need someone who is going to pussy foot around and leave it up to me. Hello, I'm the newly recovering alcoholic, most people wouldn't leave jack squat up to me.

I just now feel bad b/c I feel like I have to break up with her. Honestly, getting a sponsor is like forging a committed relationship with someone, at least thats the way I feel about it. This just puts another hurdle in my way and gives me another reason not to go to meetings and sit at home and drink. Which I have reallllllllllllllly been wanting to do lately! I keep reminding myself I have 45 days clean and sober, I can do this but a part of me just doesn't give a flying fuck and would rather be plastered.

Why must I always make a complicated situation so much more complicated? It's the story of my life.